Living apart together, often shortened to LAT, means being a committed couple while each of you keeps your own home. You might be married or not, see each other most days and holiday together, but you don't share an address. Later in life it offers love and company without giving up the home, routines and family set-up you've built. It's a proper relationship, arranged your way.
What does living apart together actually mean?
You're a couple in every way that matters, with two addresses. You might spend Saturday night at one house and Wednesday at the other, ring each other every evening and sit side by side at a family wedding. You just don't share a fridge or the bills. It's often called a LAT relationship for short, and married couples can live this way too.
What it isn't is a halfway house, or a lesser kind of relationship. People sometimes assume a couple who live apart either aren't serious or are just waiting to move in. Done well, it's the opposite: two grown-ups who know what they want and have chosen it. The promise is to each other, not to a building.
Why your own home matters more later in life
By now, a home is rarely just bricks. It may be where you raised your family, or the place you made your own after everything changed. The grandchildren know which tin the biscuits live in, the dog has its routine and so do you, and the allotment won't water itself. Two homes can also keep money matters simpler, which may put a worried son or daughter at ease; our guide to dating and your adult children has more on that.
After years of caring for someone, or cooking and washing for a family, you may have no wish to be anyone's carer or housekeeper again. And after widowhood or divorce, you may have found an independence you'd rather not hand back. If you're starting again after a bereavement, there's more in our guide to dating after losing a spouse.
What are the downsides of living apart?
Any honest list of living apart together pros and cons has a second column. Two homes mean two lots of bills, two roofs and two gardens to keep on top of. Twenty minutes across town is easy; an hour each way in winter, or once you'd rather not drive after dark, starts to shape how often you see each other.
A night to yourself can feel lovely on a Tuesday and lonely on a wet Sunday. Friends and family may not understand it either, so have a simple line ready: "We're very happy as we are, and we both love our own homes." Hardest of all is illness: if one of you has a fall, who goes round, and who stays? Better to decide that calmly, long before you need to.
The ground rules to agree between you
There are no official living apart together rules, which is rather the point. It goes more smoothly if you talk the practical bits through early, over a pot of tea rather than mid-argument:
- How often you see each other. Daily, three evenings a week or weekends only? Any can work if you both agree.
- Staying over. Whose house, which nights, and is a toothbrush in each other's bathroom welcome or a step too far?
- Holidays and Christmas. Together, apart or shared between two families. Settle it in October, not on Christmas Eve.
- Keys. A spare key each is sensible. Agree whether it's for emergencies only or for popping in.
- Who hosts. If one of you always does the cooking, it can start to feel like running a hotel. Take turns, or eat out.
- Keeping in touch in between. A morning text, a call before bed: whatever feels close rather than clingy.
Protecting your home, your money and each other
Keep it simple: each of you pays for your own home, and you agree how to share the rest, such as who pays for dinner and how you split a holiday. Say it plainly and early, so nobody keeps a silent tally. After a divorce, separate money can be a real comfort, and our guide to dating after divorce over 50 has more on keeping it that way.
Wills need more thought. The rules for partners who aren't married differ a great deal from place to place, so if you want to provide for each other, or to be sure each home goes to your own family, put it in writing with a solicitor or lawyer where you live.
Some couples marry and still keep two homes. If that's your plan, talk to a solicitor or lawyer where you live before the wedding: in England and Wales, Ireland and much of Australia, among other places, marriage cancels any will you made beforehand unless it was drawn up with that marriage in mind.
Talking about health while you're both well
Nobody enjoys this one, but it's among the kindest talks a couple can have, and living apart makes it matter more. If one of you is taken ill, who should be called? Do your families have each other's numbers? Would you want your partner to come and stay for a while, or would you rather a son or daughter did? Write the answers down, along with where the spare key lives, and ask a solicitor or lawyer where you live whether any of it should be made official.
Be honest about limits, too. If you don't want to be a full-time carer again, it's fair to say so. Being there for someone (visiting, sitting with them at appointments, doing some shopping) is different from being their only carer. Agree what you can each give and who else would step in. Our page on dating over 70 has more on being honest about health.
Finding someone who wants two homes too
People want very different things from dating later in life, as our page on over 60s dating explains. So be clear on your profile, in your own words, that you're not looking to share a house. A few lines that work:
- "I'm happily rooted in my home and garden, but I'd love someone to share weekends, dinners and the odd holiday with."
- "Widowed and content in my own place. Hoping for good company, proper conversation and someone to miss between visits."
- "My dog and I come as a pair, and we're keeping our own front door. If you'd like a partner rather than a housemate, say hello."
Then choose the relationship type you're after in your match preferences, and your daily match suggestions will take it into account. Keep the distance sensible too, since one of you will always be making the trip. Our page on what members can do explains how the suggestions work.
What if one of you starts wanting to move in?
Feelings shift, and so do circumstances. Some couples find, a few years in, that living together after 60 or 70 appeals more than it did, perhaps when one house becomes too much or the drive gets tiring. Others keep their two front doors for good, and neither choice is the wrong one.
The trouble starts when one of you quietly wants more and says nothing, and resentment grows in the gaps between visits. If you catch yourself hinting, say it instead: "I've been wondering how you'd feel about living together one day. No rush, I just wanted you to know." If you'd rather keep things as they are, say that kindly too. A gentle check-in once a year keeps it from becoming the conversation nobody wants to start. If you do decide to share a home, see a solicitor or lawyer where you live before anyone sells up.
Living apart together: your questions
What does living apart together mean?
Living apart together, or LAT, describes a committed couple who choose to keep separate homes. They may be married or not and see each other often, but each keeps their own routines and finances. It's a proper relationship with two addresses.
Is living apart together a real relationship?
Yes. A relationship is made real by commitment, care and time together, not by a shared address. Couples who live apart can be every bit as close and loving as those under one roof; they simply each keep their own home.
How often do couples who live apart see each other?
There's no right amount. Some couples see each other daily and stay over most weekends; others meet two or three times a week and talk on the phone in between. What matters is agreeing a rhythm that suits you both.
Can a married couple live apart together?
Yes. Some married couples choose to keep two homes, and some keep them for good. If you're planning to marry, take advice on your will first, because in some places a wedding cancels a will made before it.
What happens if one of us becomes ill?
It's best agreed between you while you're both well. Talk about who should be called, who might come and stay, and what each family will do. Caring about someone doesn't have to mean becoming their only carer, so agree what you can each give.
Meet someone who loves their own home as much as you love yours
Join Silver Senior Dating and see who'd like to share the weekends and keep their own front door.
Join Silver Senior Dating